It's 1991. In most corners of the world, the big names in party metal/hair metal have unexpectedly been kicked to the curb. This is both frustrating and confusing. Grunge and alternative rock are on the brink of exploding onto the music scene and you're feeling pretty lost. Why would anyone dream of giving up on feel-good party-anthems? Give up on screeching, larger-than-life guitar solos? Who wants to be moody and go to the coffee shop when they can get wild and score babes? It all seems like a bad dream that you need your mom to wake you up from.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
TWO CRUDE DUDES MIX.
But there you sit on the couch watching TV, switching between American Gladiators and music videos, one leg raised up on the arm of the couch, wearing buzz-sawed denim shorts, an Aerosmith combination cut-off/belly shirt, Converse high tops with the over-eggagerated-sized tongue sticking out, and a mop on your head that your corporate father can't bare to look at. For some reason MTV isn't playing any of your go-to bands. No Skid Row? Mr. Big? Slaughter? White Lion? Leatherwolf? Winger? Ratt? Also, you just remembered that MTV's annual 'Spring Break' was scheduled to air this week, with Pauly Shore hosting and a special live show from Vince Neil. A queasy feeling enters your stomach and your vision becomes altered. All you can make out is a blur of flannel and short hair. You need OUT OF HERE. You just remembered that earlier that day you pumped out the last remaining fume of your bottle of Aqua-Net so you decide to head to the mini-mart to pick up a new jumbo pack. You also cannot stop thinking about those tasty microwavable burritos and frozen fruit concentrate that have been your daily diet all season. The teachers at school are begging you to follow some sort of new, balanced 'food pyramid', but you have other plans.
Immediately upon arriving at the mini-mart you open the door and what you hear on the stereo you can hardly swallow. It's absolutely the worst, dullest excuse for music you've ever heard. Sure, for years your sister has listened to some really sickening material, but this is different. This is clearly by a band that thinks they are rock's newest juggernaut. You fear the worst but you know it's inevitable. This is the sound that will shape music for the next few years. Weak guitar tones, whiney vocals by some neutered-sounding male and drums that sound like they are banging on trash can lids and most depressingly, GUITAR SOLOS DENIED.
You feel like fainting and calling it a day, but the ding! just went off on the microwave and you figure maybe its a frozen burrito that will save your life. You pass the Slush Puppie machine, people look at you strangely, analyzing your civilian wardrobe. All of a sudden out of nowhere a man comes up to you and passes you something that instantly washes over you and brings you right back to full-throddle form. A mixtape that reads TNUC and Mike Ballermann's TWO CRUDE DUDES MIX :: 12 Tracks of Twisted Steel & Sex Appeal". You exit the mini-mart, pop the mix in your tape deck and turn it up to 11. Life remains fully functional.
If you've experienced symptoms like this in the past and need a release like no other, here's an over the counter drug with your name written all over it. Download and turn it up (track list in comment section).
Here's a picture of five CRUDE DUDES that is all you have to remember what the guy at the mini-mart that passed you this life-saving, life-changing mix resembled:
Below are images of various, real life pairs of CRUDE DUDES to set the scene for what you're listening to.
Don't forget to watch the trailer!